man down..
how do u console someone when they've lost a relative.. a friend.. a pet.. how do u arrange ur face .. do u smile.. do u have that expression on ur face saying im sorry man.. wish it hadnt happnd.. or do u just ponder why ur there.. ive been there.. done that a million times.. and i still dont know which is the right way.. ppl have come to me.. losing a son or a daughter.. the wars taken a lot out of everyone.. from the loved ones its taken their hearts and minds and souls.. from the troops its taken everythin.. every organ .. every cell in their body is moving towards resolving the conflict .. the question still unanswered .. is the conflict between the nations.. between the so called superpowers of the regiion.. or is it an internal battle against our conscience.. a battle over of bad against worse??two days ago.. a late corporal's wife came upto me.. she had in her hand wat remained of a charred photo.. i neednt have asked wat had happend.. but i did.. i made it my job.. sometimes the greatest grief of a death ends when u let it out.. i felt it a moral duty to help ppl .. call me stupid but thats wat i did.. she had no tears in her eyes.. in fact she had a wry smile upon her features.. the corporal had been one of my favourites.. a hardworking young man.. a crack shot.. he had been killed a day before this meeting in rocket attack of the base.. he had died not directly.. he had died tryin to save the rest of the base.. he did.. but lost his life in the proces.. he was to be a awarded a post humous bravery award.. and given a state funeral..
his wife came upto me..she handed me the photograph.. i turned it over.. it was an early picture of the team when we had arrived at the battle zone.. evryone was happy.. all she said was. " why.. ".. i said. " that i cannot explain.. he was a brave man.. i owe me life to him.. ".. she went on.. " not why he had to die sir.. i kno why he had to die.. he died doing wat he did best.. serving the country and the ppl he best loved.. why did this war have to happen is all i ask.. why cant one man and another just get along.. " .. i didnt kno wat to say.. it was a question i didnt kno to answer myself.. with that she turned and left.. and yet again i was unsure how to react..
why does man " the smartest of all beings " do wat he does to fellow man.. i just dont have an explanation for that .. why we live in this world where colour, religion and caste make us all different.. unanswered stuff.. thats best left unanswered coz the answers will just cause more conflict..
for once in my life.. i found the need to let out emotion.. the grief of seeing so many ppl die.. the grief ive shared with their famlies.. the emptiness i've felt without a family of my own.. and found that there was noone in this world i could let it out to.. in all my life.. i'd been a punching bag.. a soundin board and a support to a lot of different ppl.. but somehow i had never let it out.. the only emotion i ever let out was in the field when i saw a partner taken out.. anger.. passion.. adrenaline.. kill the bastards who did this was all i thot.. now in an hour of need i had noone to talk to.. noone who i could hang onto to stay afloat.. except betsy.. betsy was my best friend.. she helped me relax.. saved my life more than once.. now she would help me end it..
i took her out of my desk.. the beatiful .35 revolver .. i polished her everyday.. and kept her loaded..
i've made the man down call so many times i've lost count.. ironic i thot as the barrel made contact with my temple.. never thot id be making it about myself..
hey..
im back again.. hope ur all doing good.. semester's done with .. back home for 10 days.. :) .. jobles..
as always
im still me
may the force be with u..
blabbered by Vishal 'Tommy' Thomas @ 4:08 am
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