losing sense of self
The hols are going abysmally.. its hardly ten days since the boards were done.. and ive hardly managed to get an hour to myself.. its funny that despite waitin for those darn exams to get over thnkin ur gonna be free and then ur brot to the harsh reality that u got a heckuva lot more to do than u thot.. its painful the way i have class and hardly anytime off.. thot may was gonna be free thats also been fucked up..ever felt that ur letting everyone u love and care about down.. i am right now.. made a lotta promises got bucket loads of advice and spoilt it all.. no drive no determination no patience.. major problems duno wat im supposed to do.. i can scarcely imagine wat it must be to be a small man of 5'6" walkin into a stadium iwht the weight of the expectation of the entire nation on u..scary.. just a handful of ppl and ive managed to let them down in the past few weeks.. in different ways.. and the guilt is getting to me.. ive been told ive been trying to hard .. tryin to little to sort myself out.. and not tryin to understand the problem..
confusing.. ?? HELL YES.. i dont know wat im doin myself.. trying to get my life together after ppl in my life have started moving away and are ill and struggling themselves.. that worry added to the fact that all will end before it even begins is scary... waitin for life to kick me in the balls now.. its about time.. lifes been too good to last.. cleaning out my closet of the skeletons that lie there is a very different experience.. guilty of not listening to advice.. advice taht is probably the best for me .. sadly like all thats been ever given to me.. i've havent used it as well i should have.. apologising once is one thing.. doing the same thing again and then tryin to apologise is murder.. ive done it.. and that guilt is very much alive.. im sorry u guys,, u kno who u be.. u may wonder why i've put this here.. but i've had no choice.. life's been killer these past few weeks and u've stuck with me..that means a heckuva lot.. u've laughed with me and at me.. cried with me and for me.. lost ur patience with me.. and been understanding when im bein my grumpy old self..
yes i guess i've reverted to the post of the languishing soul.. sorry to those who were expectin a better post.. at the moment thats all i can give u.. not been the best of lives.. anyway i gotta go now.. so until next time
im still me
may the force be with you..
blabbered by Vishal 'Tommy' Thomas @ 12:22 pm
Comments: 7
